


File Corrupted

by ChubbyHornedEquine



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett, Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Crack Crossover, Crowley goes to therapy, Established Relationship, M/M, Multi, Screenplay/Script Format, story of my life i guess, this started really silly and ends with some implied major kinkery so like
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-08
Updated: 2019-09-08
Packaged: 2020-10-12 08:24:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20561240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChubbyHornedEquine/pseuds/ChubbyHornedEquine
Summary: An angel sits in a waiting room to meet his wife for lunch. A different angel arrives in said waiting room to pick up his partner for lunch.





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**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this as a script cause it came to my head predominantly as dialogue and because I wanted something a little different from my on-going Good Omens fic. Also I just don't have the mental bandwidth for actual prose rn that isn't steeped in angst, whoops.  
Enjoy! Comments are love, thanks for reading!  
(fml the formatting is wonky but its 1am so i'll fix it lateeeer)

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_An angel sits in a waiting room, reading a book on parenting geared towards new parents. He’s tall and muscular, although he seems to be trying to keep himself small as he sits in the comfortable chairs with his book. Some might describe him as intimidating, but he has a wonderful smile._

_Before long, another angel walks into the waiting room. This one is considerably shorter, rounder, and looks at the world with big, bright eyes. He wears clothes that are very much out of fashion by at least a century and although he seems a bit skittish at times, he gives no impressions of ever wanting to hide again. He too, has a wonderful smile._

_The two men look at one another, offer a brief nod and smile that one would offer a stranger and then stop cold._

_At the same time, a little hesitantly they say: _You’re an angel.

_Again, simultaneously:_ Yes.

_Once more: _But not from here.

**Amenadiel**: Ok! _(He stands.)_ Stop doing that

**Azira**: Well I’m not doing it _intentionally_.

**Amenadiel**: Who are you?

**Azira**: My name is Aziraphale.

**Amenadiel**: Oh… _(Genuinely confused.)_ I don’t actually know an angel by that name.

**Azira**: And you are?

**Amenadiel**: Amenadiel.

**Azira**: _(Comes around the quaint little coffee table in the middle of the room, holding out his hand.) _Well it’s lovely to meet you, Amenadiel.

**Amenadiel**: _(Shaking his hand.) _Yes, likewise. Although I’m not sure what’s happening…where are you from? Why are you he—

_(He stops short, quickly dropping Aziraphale’s hand and giving a nervous glance to the office door between them. His tone takes on an unmistakable note of protectiveness.)_

Why _are_ you here?

**Azira**: _(At this sudden change he also looks to the door. He isn’t quite as intimidating in stance but there’s an edge to his voice and the blue of his eyes seem to turn to ice.)_ Why are _you_ here?

**Amenadiel**: My _wife_ works here.

**Azira**: (_And just that quickly the shorter angel melts right back into the equivalent of a human-shaped cloud.)_

Oh! _(He smiles easily.) _Oh that’s alright then. Dr. Linda? Yes, my partner is seeing her. I’m here to pick him up actually.

**Amenadiel**: _(His shoulders sag in relief.) _Oh!

_The office door opens and a long (not necessarily tall) red head steps out. He wears sunglasses even though he’s indoors. He takes half a step out, a woman behind him._

**Linda**: Which is why I say that I think you’re making _amazing _progress, Crowley. Better than…some of my other patients. But I want you to give that exercise with the plant room a serious go this time.

**Crowley**: _(Shoving his hands in his pockets.)_ M’Yeah. Alright.

_He then looks up, spots Aziraphale, and smiles like every problem in the world has suddenly become manageable. Like it doesn’t matter if he’s going to therapy and nervous about this new exercise in emotional vulnerability. Like he isn’t afraid to fight Heaven and Hell and anyone stupid enough to get in between him and his angel. He looks at Aziraphale and smiles like he’s home._

Hey, angel. _(He spots Amenadiel.) _….Oh.

**Amenadiel**: _(Realizing what Crowley is.) _Oh.

**Crowley**: You’re an angel.

**Amenadiel**: You’re a demon.

**Crowley**: _(He tilts his head.)_ But not from here?

**Azira**: Yes, yes. We’ve had this conversation already. Amenadiel, this is my partner, Crowley. Crowley, dear, this is Amenadiel and he is apparently from…a _different_ Heaven.

**Linda**: _(This is a woman that has had a lot, A LOT of shocks to her worldview and somehow this one still manages to catch her off guard.) What_? There’s more than _one_?!

**Amenadiel**: No.

**Azira**: I want to agree but… _(He gestures between the three celestial beings.)_ clearly.

**Amenadiel**: How is this happening? How did you even find this place?

**Azira**: _(Ready to launch into a great tale.) _Well, we decided, or well were rather shown, that eternity isn’t exactly guaranteed and we had spent a long time in one place so we thought we might travel around a bit and spend a few months living in different places. A random dart on a map brought—

**Crowley**: He means this office, angel. How did we find this particular therapist?

**Azira**: _(A little embarrassed.) _Oh, right. How _did_ you hear about Dr. Linda?

**Crowley**: I don’t know…I was bored and doing a temptation in some stupid club when this absolute _twat_ calling himself _(He makes a voice.)_ _Lucifer Morningstar_ intervened asking _my_ human what their deepest desires were.

**Linda**: _(A little quiet.) _Oh my god.

**Crowley**: Your god is right. Anyway, they said what they really wanted was therapy or something and then said twat made some suggestions and I listened in for a while. Then I got annoyed and left.

**Azira**: Oh so that’s what put the thought in your head!

**Crowley**: Eh.

**Azira**: _(To Linda.) _When he brought up the idea of therapy I thought it was a lovely idea. Very healthy. And it’s done wonders, I really think so.

**Linda**: Thank you. _(She nudges Crowley gently with her elbow.) Your_ hard work.

**Crowley**: You don’t seem too bothered by the notion that I’m a _demon_, doctor.

**Linda**: Well, my husband’s an angel, my best friend is a demon and also my husband’s ex, _(She let out a bone-weary sigh.) _look you just gotta go with the flow.

**Amenadiel**: For what it’s worth, that…’twat’ as you put it, is my brother and he really _is_ Lucifer.

**Crowley**: That isn’t possible.

**Amenadiel**: It is.

**Crowley**: Lucifer was an angel.

**Amenadiel**: Yes. And he Fell.

**Crowley**: _(A little annoyed.) _No, Lucifer was his name as an _angel_, no one knows what his name became after he Fell.

**Amenadiel**: What? No. Lucifer became his name _after_ he Fell. Or some people go with Satan.

**Azira**: No, no, Lucifer and Satan are two different people, even I know that.

_Suddenly, with a bit of flourish in the form of a brief crack of thunder, a man in a suit appeared, his back to them._

**Lucifer**: _Someone_ is screaming my name into the universe. So who has sum— _(He turns around and stops short.)_ Oh, it seems multiple someones summoned me.

**Azira**: _(Probably more intrigued about this meeting than he should be.)_ You’re Lucifer?

**Lucifer**: The one and only.

**Crowley**: Eh.

_And then both Devil and Angel say “Hello” at the same time in very similar but distinctly different ways._

**Lucifer**: Oh! It’s like I’m the _sinful_ version.

_Aziraphale lets out a chuckle that could only be described as a schoolboy giggle._

**Crowley**:_ (To Aziraphale, and with a tilt of his head.) Really_?

**Azira**: What? I didn’t say anything.

**Crowley**: You thought it.

**Lucifer**: _(With a smile.) _Rather loudly.

**Azira**: _(Flustered, blushing.) _Yes, alright!

**Lucifer**: I don’t believe we’ve done official introductions. You know my name, you are…?

**Azira**: I’m Aziraphale. _(Gestures to Crowley.) _And he is—

**Crowley**: Bloody confused. Lucifer is an angel.

**Lucifer**: Was. I Fell. Have the charred wings to prove it.

**Crowley**: So do I.

**Azira**: _Gentlemen_. There’s no need to…to compare _wings._

**Amenadiel**: _(Clears his throat.)_ They’re saying they’re from a different heaven.

**Lucifer**: Oooh.

**Amenadiel**: So, your Lucifer and Satan—

**Crowley**: And Beelzebub, just to be clear.

**Amenadiel**: Are all separate people?

**Crowley**: Yes.

**Lucifer**: _(Considers this.)_ Then who tempted Adam and Eve? Because here, it was me. _(There’s no denying the pride in his voice.)_

**Crowley**: I did.

**Lucifer**: Really?

**Crowley**: Yesssss. _(A bit of snake tongue slips out.)_

**Lucifer**: _(Caught off guard by the tongue.) _Oh. _(Then, after a moment’s consideration of said tongue.)_ _Oooh._

_The demon smirks at the devil._

**Azira**: _(To Crowley.) _Really?

**Lucifer**: Oh don’t be jealous. I’m flexible.

**Crowley**: I’ll bet yo—

**Amenadiel**: Ok! Luci, what is happening here?

**Lucifer**: Well unless I’m misreading some signals, _(He turns to Aziraphale, who tries to hide a smirk and fails.)_ and I don’t misread signals, I think these two gentlemen might be interested in coming back to my penthouse an—

**Amenadiel**: I _mean_, how is this possible?”

**Lucifer**: Well I suspect, wait, _(He looks between Aziraphale and Crowley.) _ is your Gabriel someone you just want to punch right in the throat?

**Azira/Crowley**: _Yes._

**Amenadiel**: _Luci_! How is this possible?

**Lucifer**: _(With a sigh.)_ Look, I can only think of one metaphor for this and, _(He points to Aziraphale and Amenadiel.)_ no offense to you two but I think, _(He points to Crowley.)_ he’s the only one that’s going to get it.

**Azira**: Excuse me!

**Amenadiel**: Hey!

**Crowley**: What is it?

**Lucifer**: I think…God has multiple save files.

**Crowley**: Ooooooh. Interesting.

**Amenadiel**: _(Catches Aziraphale’s eye and asks quietly.)_ …did you get that?

**Azira**: _(With a sigh.)_…No.

**Crowley**: Well wait, but then how are we in the same place? It should be, y’know, separate saves.

**Lucifer**: Oh please. I think dear old Dad stopped paying attention a long time ago.

**Crowley/Azira**: _Dad?_

**Azira**: Your God…is decidedly male?

**Linda**: _Thank you_.

_The celestial beings all look at her as though they’d forgotten she was there._

**Amenadiel**: Well, there’s God and there’s the Goddess of all Creation. A mother and a father.

**Azira**: Oh. _(He says it the way one might react to being told the only filling left available for their crepes was pickle-flavored-chocolate.)_

**Linda**: _(Nudges Aziraphale.)_ What gender is your God?

**Azira**: Gender is a spectrum my dear and as such—

**Crowley**: They present as female more often than not.

**Linda**: _Yes_. _(She says it as though she’s just won something.)_

**Azira**: Oh I wonder, who do you think is older? Our take on the universe or yours?

**Amenadiel**: _(With some authority.) _Well, ours.

**Crowley**: Based on _what_?

**Amenadiel**: A feeling.

**Azira**: Now hold on, I actually think we are.

**Amenadiel**: _(Mimicking Crowley.) _Based on what?

**Azira**: Well, for one thing the whole God and Goddess situation. Our God is a singular entity. There’s no concept of sex or gender. Not for them or for us as angels or demons.

**Crowley**: Do what we want with our bits. Or not even have them at all.

**Lucifer**: _(Absolutely delighted by this)_ You can change them up?

**Crowley**: Oh yes.

**Azira**: Alright you two just _stop_. Dangerous having two tempters in one place, my goodness. Anyway, as I was saying, I think it stands to reason that we came first and when God got the idea for humans and this whole Adam, Eve, binary thing, they started a new universe, your universe, and tried presenting themselves in that way.

**Amenadiel**: _(He considers this and can see the merit to it, although reluctantly.) _Huh. That…well that kind of tracks.

**Azira**: Doesn’t it? It’s fascinating!

**Crowley**: So how did you handle the anti-christ situation?

**Azira**: Oh yes, and Armageddon?

_Lucifer and Amenadiel exchange looks_.

**Amenadiel**: I’m sorry, did you say Armageddon?

**Crowley**: _(With a mad grin.) _Hasn’t happened yet, has it?

**Azira**: Oh then we’re definitely older.

**Linda**: Okay! As fascinating as this is, and it really, really is, my lunch is only an hour long and I’ve already had one mental break for an entire life time so if we could…?

**Amenadiel**: Oh, right, I’m sorry, we’ll head out. _(He turns to Aziraphale.)_ It was a pleasure meeting you.

**Azira**: Likewise!

**Amenadiel**: I think this is where we exchange phone numbers but I never got the hang of cell phones…

**Azira**: Me either!

**Amenadiel**: Great! So I’ll see you around then!

**Azira**: Yes, of course!

_Crowley and Lucifer look at the two angels, Crowley mouthing “HOW” while Lucifer takes a drink from his flask. Amenadiel and Linda leave._

**Lucifer**: So.

**Crowley**: Yeah?

**Lucifer**: _(He’s moved closer to them.) _I am _very_ interested in how you go about your temptations.

**Crowley**: Well I don’t cheat by asking them straight out what their desires are, for starts.

**Lucifer**: That’s not—wait, you were that red-head at the bar, in the open back dress! With the silver—oh…I remember_ you_.

**Crowley**: Good.

**Lucifer**: _(He gives Crowley an appraising look.)_ Although this form isn’t disagreeable _at all_.

**Crowley**: Too bad, I have a lunch date with—_(He turns to look at Aziraphale who at some point had taken a seat to watch this interaction.) _Angel?

**Azira**: Hmm? I…well…if I’m honest this is really quite delicious.

**Crowley**: _Really?_ _(It’s equal parts surprise and intrigue.)_

**Azira**: _(To Lucifer.) _I believe you mentioned a penthouse?

**Lucifer**: Ooooh. And I thought I was the sinful version, there’s more to you than that adorable tartan bow tie, isn’t there?

**Azira**: _(Stands.) _Yes, well. Shall we?

_An angel, a demon, and a devil leave for a penthouse, several bottles of wine, and some very interesting adventures._


End file.
